On names and gifts

What is the right way to address an invitation to a married couple, when the wife has retained her maiden name?

Today’s modern woman now has the option to carry her husband’s name or not to, without dropping her identity altogether. Some married women hyphenate their last  names, keeping their maiden names intact. This is especially popular for professionals who have made a name for themselves in their chosen careers. In some European cultures though, ladies do not at all carry the husband’s name. So the lady keeps her maiden name, and the spouses names, when addressed on an invitation should read as follows :

Ms. Maria Cruz

Mr. Juan Santos

In the event that the lady chooses to hyphenate her name, the invitation may read the regular way, “Mr. and Mrs. Juan Santos”. Though if referred to singularly, as in place cards or casual notes, her name will be written as “Mrs. Maria Cruz-Santos”.

My brother and his wife will be residing in the United States after their wedding, how do we politely ask for monetary gifts? Unfortunately, receiving any of the usual wedding gifts from here would be highly impractical for them.

This is a very common situation these days, as many young professionals of the new generation  have chosen to make a life for themselves abroad. Truth be told, there is really no polite way to solicit  monetary gifts, but it is the practical thing to do in these times. There are several acceptable ways to go about this: As an insert to your wedding invitation, you may include an “at home” card. This is a small card which comes in its own envelope, which serves to inform the guest that the couple will be residing abroad after the wedding, and should include the couple’s full (future) home address. This  is a “hint” that the couple will be leaving, and that no large gifts should be given. Here is a sample of the wording you may use:

At Home
After the 10th of January, 2009
101 Willow Lane
Greenwich, Connecticut
8675309, U.S.A.

You may want to opt for a different slant,  wherein you will not hope to receive but rather to give. Instead of wedding gifts for you, you may make a donation to chosen local charities in your name. This way, you can request monetary gifts to be given or donated to the charity rather than to you. Include a little card in your invitation (this card need not have its own envelope) to explain this request, and include the full names and/or check addressee of the charity or foundation so that the guest will have an easy time preparing the check. This is another “hint” that you will not be expecting actual gifts.

Spread the word… Ask your entourage and family members to spread the word that you will be residing abroad, so that guests may decide on gifts accordingly. One or two “cash” showers may be hosted  or you, so that should be a sure sign to some groups of guests that you will not be expecting actual gifts. In the same light, if you have an R.S.V.P. request on your invitation, make sure that the person receiving the calls is properly briefed. Give him or her an information sheet so that they can properly answer guests’ queries regarding bridal registries (none!) and where to deliver presents (if at all) and remind them to mention to all that you will be residing abroad. In any event though, please ask them NEVER to mention that you would prefer a monetary gift, as it is really not polite. These hints should do the trick.

RACHEL MARTELINO-CLIMENT-