The happy bride’s short course on simple etiquette that will set your wedding apart from the rest…

Because when you start that memorable walk down the aisle, it takes more than true love to keep that smile glowing. You want to be sure you’ve done everything just right. In the course of my fourteen years of wedding and event coordination, I received a lot of emails requesting advice on how to handle different situations. And with each and every issue, this column will help you approach these circumstances and handle them in a proper and confident manner.

“Keep positive and your efforts will show on your wedding day. Everyone will be smiling genuinely, sincerely happy for you, and glad you made the right decisions leading up to the wedding day”

I grew up with my stepfather and my mother abroad, and am closer to him than my biological father. I am on positive terms with my real father but we are more formal rather than close. Who should walk me down the aisle if I marry in the Philippines? I do not want to slight or embarrass my birth father but I feel much closer to my stepfather.

RMC: That is indeed a touchy situation. Since you are marrying in the Philippines, you are familiar with the importance of keeping up appearances. So you are already worrying about possibly embarrassing your real father by having all your guests see someone else walk you down the aisle. It is great that you are sensitive to that right from the start. Would you be ok with a compromise? There are several important parts of the wedding where your father will be needed- these are 1) the Despedida de Soltera, where the father of the bride makes the official toast which are the festivities of the occasion. 2) To walk the bride down the aisle and 3) the dance with the bride. What if you assign the walk down the aisle to your biological dad just out of respect and your concern for his standing in Manila society. (You have to admit, tongues will wag if you don’t do this, so it might be a nice gesture on your part to give this to your biological father) and then have your step dad do the other two parts. I’m sure that both gentlemen will understand and respect any decision that you make. Try to talk to each of them, and explain that all of these roles are equally important to you, and that you want each of them to have their distinct role at your wedding. Or another idea that I have heard done abroad, is one father walked the bride half way down the aisle, where the other one was waiting to take her to the groom. It sounds like a good idea if everyone is willing. Of course this example involved an American couple so I am not sure how open or willing your two Dads would be.

My brother just announced his wedding, set for next year. His fiance’s family believes that it is bad luck for two family members to marry within the same year. My family is not at all superstitious, so do we have to follow such beliefs? Their wedding was announced first, but do I have to follow this and wait for another year to get married?

RMC: Many families in the Philippines adhere to that superstition, especially those of Chinese descent. Other families just go with the flow… How do we combine the two and make it work?  I would say, do the polite thing… To explain the beginnings of etiquette, it came about as a consistent school of thought due to the need to make others feel relaxed and comfortable when in your home, or in your presence. Good manners and proper decorum follow that premise. So, though your family is not really superstitious, out of deference and respect to the beliefs of your brother and his in-laws-to-be, it wouldn’t hurt to acknowledge their wishes, and choose a date accordingly. You are, after all, going to be family. Again, we compromise. Ask your brother to choose a wedding date in January or early February of next year, a date before the Chinese New Year begins. That way, if you choose a wedding date from late February onwards of the same calendar year, it is not seen as the same year according to the Chinese calendar. Plan early, and book early, so that the dates you choose for both weddings will likely be available at each couple’s chosen church and reception venue. Or ask your brother if he can marry December of this year instead (if there is still enough time) so you can follow next year.

The groom’s parents are paying for the wedding. Does this mean that I have no choice but to go along with whatever they want? My future mother-in-law has good intentions but with all the changes that she’s made so far, it seems like now it’s her wedding more than mine.

RMC: In Philippine tradition, the groom or his family shoulders the wedding expenses. So in keeping with this:

1. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Make an idea board and “present it” in early meetings, show it to your suppliers so that they can influence design details and concepts with your requests in mind.

2. C IS FOR COMPROMISE. Talk to your fiancé about those details that you are passionate about. If both of you are in agreement with your “side” of the decision, you may approach your mom in law to-be and ask respectfully about reaching a compromise between what she wants and what you want. But you have to be united in your decision as a couple, if it’s one sided it will never work.

3. DO YOUR BEST to give in to the little things. Don’t sweat the small stuff, remember? If you can please them why not? Your mom in law is throwing the party of her life for you and her son, so please remember that too. It takes only a little bit to make them happy so why not do so?

I know this sounds hard at this point, since you are immersed in these details. But really, once you look at the bigger picture, you have your whole life ahead of you to mold and improve your relationship as a couple. Getting off on the wrong foot with your future in-laws will certainly be negative in your relationship, no matter how hard your fiancé tries to keep the peace. Toiling over these details is not worth your sleepless nights or petty fights. Try to see some humor in these situations. Keep positive and your efforts will show on your wedding day. Everyone will be smiling genuinely, sincerely happy for you, and glad you made the right decisions leading up to the wedding day.