Men and women are completely different creatures who have wildly different sets of values, responses to situations; expressiveness, etc, etc.  Recently, I was with a group of men whom I encouraged to air their sentiments so I could transmit this to the women who oftentimes can be  clueless why men act the way they do. Many wives label the men as insensitive, unfeeling, inconsiderate, egoistic, useless, corny to name a few.  Here’s a list of what some husbands want their wives to know about them. This is certainly not universal for all men nor for all women but some  of you can relate to many of the truths expressed  in the next few paragraphs.

1. They don’t enjoy shopping the way you do so don’t bring them shopping with you unless they genuinely enjoy it. Men shop differently from  women. Men shop for a need while women just need to shop (for many women, it’s therapeutic, a stress buster that elevates their mood or a way  to displace negative emotions). When men shop, as a rule they know where to get it, and when they’re  done, they leave. Women have a generalidea of what they need (most of the time, they don’t) They derive pleasure going from store to store and buy what they find along the way, even if they don’t need it  (they always think they will one day). The poor husband is bored to death wishing he was watching a sports channel in the comfort  of his Lazy Boy rather than tailing his wife who tries on five pairs of  shoes and then ends up buying none of the above because  she needs to see what other styles they have in the other stores. A middle ground would be to do only directed, as-needed shopping when you are with your spouse. Any leisure shopping is better done alone, with your girlfriends, or your daughter. Or, you can agree for him to pick you up after a prescribed number of hours in the mall but allow him to do an activity of his  choice (like go to a car shop, stay in the bar for a drink, watch tv or even a movie

2. Women love to ask for their husband’s opinion e.g., which dress looks better on them, the blue one or the red one. Most men want you to know it doesn’t matter to them what you choose to wear so  can you please spare them the agony of being asked? The worse part is when he answers “the red one“ and you turn around and choose the blue one! Actually, the men who feel that about being asked  are those who have experienced their opinions being rejected. Women need to know that if they ask for their husband’s opinion and does not respect it, it makes him feel rejected. It makes him wonder  why you even bothered to ask if you were going to go ahead and select what you wanted after all. Actually, what men don’t realize is that when the woman asks for his opinion, she is actually seeking  reassurance or approval. Women are wired differently from men; they need to be constantly reassured verbally and through actions that they are loved by their spouses. If every time you ask for your husband’s opinion you select his choice and reinforce to him how great his taste is, he would be more than happy to help you select anytime you ask. A girlfriend of mine once brought her husband  shopping with her to buy a dress. She made him pick out a dress for her. It wasn’t particularly her taste but she bought it anyway and when she used it in a party, she received several compliments about  the dress to which she would answer within earshot of her husband, “Thank you! My husband picked it out for me!” She kept complimenting her husband about his good taste. Now, do you think  every time she wants to go shopping, she has any trouble dragging her husband with her? Not at all, because he receives his psychic reward in knowing his opinions are valid and valued.

3. Husbands want to tell their wives they are not mind readers. Say what you mean and mean what you say, say the men. These are the usual verbal and thought patterns of a woman:
She says: I don’t really care… (She cares!)
She says: I’m getting fat na, noh? (Don’t ever say yes!! She wants assurance that she is the sexiest woman for you!)
She says: Tell me the truth! (She means, watch out!)
She says: Oh darling, you don’t have to do that… (She means you do!)
She says: Oh dear, you don’t have to buy that for me, it’s too expensive! (It’s not. She means if you buy it for her its proof that you love her.)

A patient of mine relates that one time she had an out of town trip early in the morning and she told her husband he didn’t have to wake up to take her to the airport with the driver. To her extreme  delight, her husband made the effort to wake up early to take her. The gesture made her feel so elated and so well-loved. I asked her if she really did not want her husband to wake up for her when she  told him so and she said, “Of course I wanted him to! I was just trying him to see if he cared enough for me. I would have been depressed on my way to the airport if he did not wake up for me.) How  often do women try their husbands by saying or acting the opposite way to see if their husbands will “get the hint” and respond in the manner she wants him to. Most men are not mind-readers and it  confuses them to play mind games like this with them. To the men however, I say that this is the true nature of women. Men need to build up their sensitivity in picking up these subtleties if they want  peace and love on the home front. If you go one step beyond what is required of you, your woman will go two steps beyond for you. Love begets love.

4. Allow men their sanctuaries. I saw a comic strip in a magazine of a man reading a newspaper with a caption underneath, “Do we really need to save our marriage while I’m reading the newspaper?”  Men need to retreat to a place or activity where they will relax and not be disturbed. For many men, its watching TV, for others, it’s their hobby room, for some, its gardening, or being in the music room listening to TV. Yet for others, it’s going to the gym or playing golf or badminton. At the end of the day, after a hard day’s work, men want to retreat to their sanctuary and don’t want to be bothered with  trivialities like maid problems or problems with the kids. I remember growing up seeing my Dad, who is a pilot, coming home after a long flight. The first thing he would do was to give my Mom attention and then recover from lack of sleep. Then he would retreat to his hobby of building model planes. My mother never disturbed him when he was in his sanctuary except to give him a kiss and a  hug occasionally when she would pass by as he worked. If she needed to talk to my dad about any problem, she would never interrupt him while he was in his sanctuary. She would carefully select the  best moment, usually within the bedroom confines (I guess after intimate moments when the man is most open emotionally and is most in attuned to his spouse.) None of us six kids ever saw them fight  because they would always do it in privacy behind closed bedroom doors. Wife should never criticize husband for the activities he finds maximal pleasure with because life is all about a pain or pleasure principle. A man will move towards pleasure and move away from pain. If you constantly give the man pleasure through your positive words and compliments, he will want to spend more time  with you. Couples should figure out how to integrate  each other into each other’s activities or find a parallel activity for the wife to engage in while husband engages in his relaxation activity. If husband  loves to play badminton but wife is not sports oriented, husband can set her up for spa treatments or parlor services while he plays. Even she needs her pleasure and pampering activities because wives  give themselves and care constantly for their husbands and children and usually feels that no one takes care of them in return.

5. Don’t choreograph his moves. If you want your husband to be intimate with you, don’t tell him, “Embrace me, naman!” or “Hold my hand. You never hold my hand.” Just set the mood for a romantic  evening by wearing something you know will turn him on like wearing high cut shorts or a neckline that exposes your cleavage or a sexy, hot lingerie. Read a sexy magazine with him to ignite his fire or  offer to massage him and let your hands wander. Vary the rooms where you make love to alter the ambience. In other words, seduce him subtly; never demand for sex. Get creative with it so sex does  not become boring and predictable. He will not need to desire any other woman if you keep recreating that woman inside of you. Of course the easiest thing is for couples to slip into a boring routine of mere survival because there are nuances of career, children, and finances. But since you are in that relationship, you can choose to do nothing and be miserable or you can choose to be creative and  happy. In a life where you have vowed to be married for better or for worse, I would choose to be married for better.

- Article by Dr. Rebecca Singson